If you clicked on this post, you’re either one of two kinds of people: either you are outraged that I dare challenge the sanctity of marriage, or you’re nodding along to the title. Here’s the thing: both of you are wrong in thinking you know what I have to say.
Well, what Seth has to say, anyway.
Author Seth Adam Smith has been married only been married a year and a half when he came to the realization that marriage wasn’t for him. This lead to him writing a book called “Marriage Isn’t For You”, explaining what made him come to this conclusion. He has since been on many TV programs, including The Tonight Show.
Read on to find out what he had to say and what inspired him to write this book.
Seth’s Story
Seth met his wife Kim when they were both just 15 years old and in college. They developed a friendship and quickly became best friends, although their relationship remained strictly platonic. It was only 10 years later that they decided it was time to give it a promotion. He says falling in love with your best friend is one of the best things in life, and that everyone should do it.
“I strongly recommend that best friends fall in love. Good times will be had by all,” he wrote on the blog post that preceded his book.
But then… what went wrong?
Then came the time to think about marriage. Even though he was extremely happy with Kim, when he was thinking about proposing to her, he couldn’t help but keep the worries away.
Seth says, “Nevertheless, falling in love with my best friend did not prevent me from having certain fears and anxieties about getting married.”
Marriage Is About Your Partner
Seth took his concerns to his father, who gave him some very wise advice. The old man smiled at his naive son and explained why marriage wasn’t for “him”.
“Seth, you’re being totally selfish. So I’m going to make this really simple: marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family… Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”
Marriage Is For Your Family
Seth’s father also elaborated on why marriage wasn’t just for him. It was about their family. It was about their current families coming together, but also about their future one. It’s about the kids he will have with the woman he loves, and what their marriage means to them.
His father said, “…your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them?”
And according to Seth, that was the moment he was absolutely sure that he was making the right choice in marrying Kim.
“It was in that very moment that I knew that Kim was the right person to marry. I realized that I wanted to make her happy; to see her smile every day, to make her laugh every day. I wanted to be a part of her family, and my family wanted her to be a part of ours. And thinking back on all the times I had seen her play with my nieces, I knew that she was the one with whom I wanted to build our own family.”
Walmart Philosophy
Seth touches one very important thing that ruins marriages, and he gives it a quirky name: ‘Walmart Philosophy’, a way of thinking that causes people to be selfish and think only about themselves. This is how he describes this way of thinking:
“My father’s advice was both shocking and revelatory. It went against the grain of today’s “Walmart philosophy”, which is if it doesn’t make you happy, you can take it back and get a new one.”
When you think about it, it’s sad how this mindset has caused the demise of many couples. This “me, me, me” selfishness can cause a lot of pain for a lot of people. That’s why marriage isn’t for “you”.
Seth elaborates further on this: “No, a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?””
Marriage Isn’t A One-Way Street
Even though Seth’s book was about his discovery that marriage wasn’t solely for him, he describes a time in his life when it was his wife’s turn to be selfless and understanding. This showed that marriage isn’t just a one-way street but a contract between two people where they both promise to be kind when the other is selfish.
He says that at one point in their life, despite being in love, his marriage was on the rocks. While he let a few things slip in his emotional state, his wife did not respond with similar rudeness. If she had, it could have been the end of their marriage.
“But instead of matching my selfishness, Kim did something beyond wonderful—she showed an outpouring of love,” says Seth in his blog post.
Marriage Isn’t For You
So, kids, that’s the ultimate lesson. Marriage isn’t for you, it’s for your partner, your family, and your kids.
We’ll leave you with a few parting words from Seth himself:
“To all who are reading this article—married, almost married, single, or even the sworn bachelor or bachelorette—I want you to know that marriage isn’t for you. No true relationship of love is for you. Love is about the person you love.
And, paradoxically, the more you truly love that person, the more love you receive. And not just from your significant other, but from their friends and their family and thousands of others you never would have met had your love remained self-centered. Truly, love and marriage isn’t for you. It’s for others.”
You can order Seth Adam Smith’s “Why Marriage Isn’t For You” online, or buy it at your local bookstore.
Source: https://sethadamsmith.com/2013/11/02/marriage-isnt-for-you/
